How to heal from a heartbreak and when to move on after your MN DivorceMar 01, 2023
I’ve never really been one to celebrate Valentine’s Day, or even my anniversary for that matter (31 years of marriage on February 15th!); however, I know that it can be a challenging day for those going through a MN divorce or a difficult breakup. On the podcast this week, I spoke with family therapist Brian Burns about working through heartbreak and loneliness, getting through Valentine’s Day, and knowing when you are ready to move on after divorce.
Your mind is not your friend
Your mind is not your friend when you are experiencing heartache. It is looking for a dopamine hit, which means searching for the good times in your life and bringing up the positive qualities of your ex-partner. This can lead to you blaming yourself for the end of the relationship. To overcome this, your brain needs to go through a withdrawal and eliminate the drug (thoughts) that felt so good and used to be important, but that is no longer benefiting you.
Loneliness is an uncomfortable feeling that we, as humans, do not enjoy experiencing. Here are some great ways to battle loneliness:
- Know that there is nothing wrong with YOU.
- Make sense of the loneliness and honor the feelings that you are experiencing.
- Choose how you want to find a connection. Reach out to a friend, find a meet-up, go to the gym, whatever feels best to you.
- Every day should have a few moments to do something nice for yourself. It doesn’t have to entail spending money; even taking a nap or walking are great for your health.
- If your loneliness is regarding your ex-spouse, make a list of negative things from your relationship. Put the list on your phone or somewhere you can look when needed and remind yourself what the truth is.
If you are struggling just on Valentine's Day or other romantic holidays, try one of these activities:
- Ignore the day; you don’t have to think about “Valentine’s Day.”
- Plan a day with your friends that are also single!
- Take control of your feelings, and make the day meaningful to you.
Are you ready to find love again?
Now let's dive into how you know when you are ready to find love again. The first thing is to assess your past relationship. Look at what worked well in the relationship, what you wish would have been different, and what you will do differently in your next relationship. Find the courage to do things that are a little scary, and remember that your next date isn't your forever relationship, just go slow and enjoy! Check out dating apps and use them as practice to see what’s out there and what interests you.
Remember that even though there will be holidays and hard days, there is nothing wrong with you! Find the positive in the situation, and remember that you control your thoughts and how you move on to create a better life!
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