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Three ways to Work Through Betrayal After Divorce From a St. Paul, MN Divorce Mediator

betrayal divorce divorce mediation Sep 14, 2022
Betrayal after divorce divorce mediator St. Paul, MN

Healing from betrayal after divorce is not for the faint of heart.  As a St. Paul, MN divorce mediator, I know you wouldn’t be reading this if you didn’t believe that most things that are worthwhile take time and effort.  How much work it takes to heal from betrayal depends on the level of trauma.  Trauma specialist Jenni Rochelle states the healing is dependent on the trauma, as well as the individual and how they handle it.  Even if you have never been betrayed by a significant other; we have all experienced betrayal.  It could be from a friend, an employer, or another family member.  Over the years, I've learned three essential elements we all need when it comes to working through betrayal.   


  1.  In order to heal you must feel safe.    Feeling safe and secure requires boundaries and support.  Often when someone experiences betrayal in a marriage, they set boundaries that will make them feel safe.  Some examples are:  The betrayer shares his or her phone messages, or makes sure the healing spouse knows where he or she is at all times.  Anything that makes the betrayed party feel safe.  Support comes in many forms. Here are some examples: a good therapist, a good friend (not one who goes down the hole with you but listens and understands), help with your kids so you can take a break.  You are not alone.  Get help and invest in yourself.
  2. Listen to yourself.  Begin to understand yourself and the patterns you bring to a relationship.  A tool would be to think of every relationship you have had and write down your story.  Listen to it.  See where there are patterns in your behavior and how you and others have acted in a relationship.  Becoming aware is such a powerful tool. 
  3. Re-connecting to others.  Step two helps you to learn about yourself and reconnect to you.  Step 3 is where you begin to trust yourself to make good decisions, while you reconnect with others.  This is where you may need to set up some boundaries for yourself like stop stalking your ex’s social media.  Or other behavior that leaves you feeling disconnected and down.  


In the end, if you blame yourself for the betrayal you think you can keep it from happening again.  That would lead you to spin in circles thinking it’s up to you.  Being betrayed is never the fault of the victim.  You have a right to set up boundaries to make you feel safe.  As time moves forward and if you stay with the betrayer, you will eventually change your boundaries as you feel secure.  And as you work through these three steps you will be more aware of your past and how you would like to reconnect as you begin a future relationship built on trust.  I highly recommend a good therapist or betrayal coach to walk you through and begin your self care/ self loving future!

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